I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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