i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i love accidental penises.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
