weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
