I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
