I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
