I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
