Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
40s are totally the cure
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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