i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
