I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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