Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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