Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize