Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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