Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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