if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
