Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
