he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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