just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
