Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
