I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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