her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fill condoms, not promises.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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