This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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