Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
