I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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