Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
