i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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