I faked an abortion last night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize