Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
