fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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