you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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