I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they're like a gay fantastic four
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
