I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
