I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
