One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
