just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
