Cold hands, warm shart.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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