It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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