guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize