Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
