we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
