I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You dont lie about slip and slides
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
