you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
