New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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