This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
