she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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