she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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