I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
