Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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