does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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