woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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