Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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