It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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