Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Randomize
