You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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