Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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