You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
