He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
