he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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