she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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