I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
